We are half way through the list of 10 questions and this one sums up the journey so far. So, how do I feel after the 5 weeks of contemplating my life as it currently is?
Year 2018 is only 4 months old but I feel like I have just been picked from a 4-month-long program in a washing machine and I’m currently being hung to dry. Such a roller coaster this year has already been! Feels like I’ve been bombarded with challenges in both personal and professional life, and only now things are perhaps starting to settle down.
Spring is probably not the optimal time to ask me to scale my happiness because Spring has a habit of making me ridiculously happy (there’s a perfect word for this condition in Finnish: riemuidiootti, which translates to ‘cheer idiot’). Especially this year because we finally have a discernible Spring after 2 years of never-ending Autumn.
But as important as it is to be able to live in the moment, I need to push aside this particular moment for a bit to enable myself to contemplate this year as a whole. So, let’s list some pros and cons:
PRO: Just as light has increased in our days my life has seen an equal, gradual rise in quality. It all started with me spilling the milk and just throwing my hands in the air like “I’ve done everything, absolutely everything I possibly can to make an unendurable situation durable for everyone, but I can do no more!” Basically I gave up. That’s not like me! But I did.
And the truth is, sometimes you need to give up. There are battles worth fighting and then there are those windmills, which you should just walk past. The job that I have right now is a windmill in this scenario and I finally decided to just walk past it.
CON: The moment I gave up on trying to improve things and just settled to the fact that there’s something better for me out there, I just need to find it, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. But that still didn’t change the fact that now my job was useless whereas before it was just plain bad. And I don’t think useless is much better in the long run. I want to succeed, I want to do something that’s worthwhile in a company where my efforts are actually valued. Still, after 2 years, I am on the look-out for such a position.
PRO: Relationship-wise I am in a better place than I have been for the past 10 years. I seriously always thought that such a man hadn’t been invented yet who could possibly put up with my eccentricities and be able to stand their ground when I tested their limits of endurance (which I do a lot and on purpose).
I’ve always known that if such a creature existed, us together would be a fearsome thing with frequent typhoons that threatened the surrounding beings and areas. And I was right! But I also knew that it takes someone as complicated a person as me to understand me, and in that I have also been right. We’re still figuring each other out but the fact that we’ve managed to hold on for over 6 months is encouraging.
CON: The only period in my life when I have been economically stable was at the age of 20. I had saved money until then and was ready to go to Scotland with a hefty balance on my account. But a year in Scotland was quite enough to substantially empty that account. And recovering from that year has taken up until now. For the past 2 years I have struggled economically just as I did when I was jobless. This should give you an idea of the salaries versus living costs in Estonia = not related on any scale. Finally this year I was able to start paying off my credit card debt but that means that this year, at least, will still be a dry one.
PRO: I have a roof on my head, food in my fridge and a lot of people in my life who care about me. To be honest, that’s a lot more than a lot of people on this planet can say.
CON: I’m almost 30 years old, and even though I thought I’m not one for age crisis, I must admit that the fact that my situation is far from where I wanted to be at this age is chewing away at me day and night. I’m over-qualified, under-paid and disrespected because of my age, looks and gender. Some portion of my current situation is the result of my own bad decisions. But there’s a lot of things about the situation that I cannot control at all, like my gender or my age, but which are constantly seen as risk factors, for example, when choosing between applicants for any job.
But I still haven’t given up hope because no matter what, I will continue to fight the odds! Quitting would basically mean suicide and that’s not an option so on I go.
What with all this turmoil it would be easy to assess that my happiness at the moment hovers at around 50%. But I believe in positivity and seriously, I am happy. Despite everything I am surprisingly happy.
So, I’d say that on the scale 1 – 10 my happy-factor is at number 8. There’s a shitload of space for improvement but I do have everything that I need in life, so there is no reason for me not to be happy. But I am aiming to improve things in a year’s time so that the scale rises, if not to 10, then at least to 9½. After all, nothing’s ever perfect :)