Overall I have been quite good at cherishing the moment. It has a lot to do with the ability to appreciate the little things in life; whether it is a sunny day (rarety in Estonia!), a great meal or a cuddle from someone special.
But recently I have found myself struggling to cherish any moment. There simply hasn’t been any moments worth cherishing. Except the moment when I bury myself in bed and slip away from this world for 10ish hours.
I got myself a new job at the beginning of the year and despite it being a large step-down from a Project Manager position I felt hopeful because it was a big company with surely many opportunities to grow professionally and move forwards in my career. How wrong I was… The company culture is everything BUT forward-looking and open.
This together with the fact that it has been one of the most stressful winters for years (I can’t cope with cold) and it still shows no signs of ending, despite the fact that it’s almost April, has pushed me under a lot of stress. So much so that couple weeks ago I got very sick, all because my body couldn’t cope with the amount of the shit-feeling anymore.
I’ve come home from work and cried more often this year (the 2 and a half months of it) than I did altogether last year. When you’re so sad and desperate and utterly disappointed in what the new, exciting change in your life turned out to be in reality, what is there left to cherish?
The teeniest, tiniest things!
Like a nice text, or even just a text from someone, anyone important. Or a simple glass of wine. Or just a new playlist that you discovered while rummaging around Youtube at work.
The ability to draw even the slightest bit of joy out of the tiniest every-day things really ensures that one’s life quality stays at an endurable level and doesn’t plummet to such overwhelming negativity that could easily drown you into depression in a place like Estonia.
Today, again, was supposed to be a good day. I had a job interview for a Team Leader position, exactly what I’ve wanted. But then everything went wrong; there were couple problematic work cases that took all day to solve so I didn’t get any work done, it snowed another 5cm and the job interview made me feel like “I don’t want this job” rather than excited.
But I guess all the stress that made me sick just made me realize that maybe it’s better to set my thoughts a bit further into the future, somewhere else than Estonia, and just stop giving a fuck about what goes on professionally at the moment in my life.
So, now I am cherishing the fact that despite an absolutely shit day I’m ok. I don’t feel stressed about anything that happened today, instead I’ve got a glass of red wine and a better future to plan! :)