I started writing this post already on Tuesday when I was in such a rage that I could only see red. The kind of rage that was a completely unfamiliar phenomena to me before I moved to Estonia. So, the original version of this post was very honest, if not exactly calm. I just had to include a snippet of it here because it really was written from the bottom of my heart and with such honest feeling that I don’t think it should be completely ignored. This is how I felt about my life and motivation at the beginning of the week:
So, another week down the drain. When does this shit rain stop, I ask.
Keeping motivated to even live a life after 2 years of solid shit really tests my limits. I’m a positive person. I didn’t used to be but I learned to while stumbling through this adventure called life. And the main reason for the positivity that has so far kept me going is the fact that I have noticed that things in life do tend to happen for a reason. The good and the bad. Especially the bad!
There are bad periods in everybody’s life. And some of us have the ability to notice later in life the significance of these periods: you became more self-aware through some struggles or you had to endure a bit of pain to gain some knowledge or skill that later in life turned out essential.
The knowledge that this bad period is only temporary has kept me up and running. Because it has to end one day! Or does it… I’m not so sure anymore. I mean, 2 years is a bloody long time. Too long for anyone to endure a setback after setback after setback.
So, what motivates me then? What makes me put one foot in front of the other every day, all the time despite all circumstances?
Honestly; RAGE. Pure, blazing rage at my desperate situation in a country where I stupidly decided to come and am now literally stuck in.
Rage at the fact that I as a person will never be accepted in this country as I am. But still I refuse to change! I can’t even if I wanted to.
Rage at the unfairness with which I have been treated lately.
And complete, utter rage at the apparent impossibility of anyone or anything giving me a fucking break!
Yep, I was a little bit upset. I still sign all of that, my life has been particularly shit so far this year, but perhaps I don’t see (so much) red anymore. Not all the time, anyway. After all, there are always good things going on every day from which I can draw energy and just enough joy to enable me to get over the never-ending setbacks and disappointments. Like dislocating my knee on Thursday on top of eeeverything else…
Thankfully it is Spring, as I demonstrated on the previous post, and no matter how bad the situation might be I can’t ignore the fact that I have some great colleagues. After-works and photo sessions with them make me forget everything else. But irony is present here as well; both of those colleagues are leaving the company. Thankfully one of them still stays in Tallinn so at least I have someone to join me for photo sessions in the future as well. In a situation like mine one has to cling to the smallest joys.
So, in the beginning of the week my main motivation came from rage, which now has diluted a bit and transformed into Sisu. This very Finnish phenomenon, which I found out early on was very strong in me, has carried me through some extreme struggles in the past and it awakens whenever I get desperate. And I am very desperate.
But no matter how much desperation there might be, I know that I cannot give up. Giving up would basically mean dying so I have to find the will and the strength to keep going, keep applying for jobs, keep doing enough at work to hit my targets and keep finding the silver lines on each day.
This is what Sisu basically means; unyielding stubbornness that will take you through a grey stone if need be!
I am aware of the fact that life tends to throw on each of us as much shit as each can carry. With this in mind I can probably expect a truckload more problems coming my way at this very moment considering that I’m not giving up any time soon. I was born a fighter and oh my, have I had to fight!
Having been born a girl to a working class family with no special connections to influential people I have had to fight for every single job, for a place in a University, for my individual rights, for my human bloody rights, and for the basic right to be exactly as I am every day of my life. The odds have been against me unusually much considering that I come from, supposedly, the happiest and the best country on the planet.
It doesn’t sound like a very nice motivator, Sisu, but at least it is a motivator; this inability to give up trying and hoping that things will turn out OK soon. Call me naive, you’re probably right. But I’d rather be naive and thus keep my head above the water than giving up all hope.
And every time the anger and frustration moves out of the way for a little while I remember that no matter what, I can always count on myself and the fact that I’m better off than most people. I know I am. And I know that my complaining might sound completely arrogant to someone who’s, for example, jobless. After all I don’t need to worry about how I will pay the rent next month. But unfortunately doubt and desperation have recently become my unwelcome but constant companions. It would take a drastic change in my professional situation to get rid of those companions.
But that’s the thing! It’s just the professional situation that frustrates me! Otherwise my life is completely fine. Better than fine even. And, as I keep reminding myself, Summer is coming and with it all sorts of happy events and happenings.
Recently I’ve come across several blog posts and articles about how people should stop living for the weekends. But for me that is the only way to survive from one week to the next; concentrating on all the great things that I can bury myself in and all the time that I can spend as far away from the office as is physically possible in this tiny city.
And in any case, since I’m not content with my situation I’m doing everything I possibly can to try and change it. Unfortunately so far the possible changes haven’t been up to me at all, which obviously frustrates such a control freak even more. But I will endure, I must!