I’ve had my fair share of toxic friendships! Which also means that I have said goodbye to multiple people who I had thought were there for life. The goodbyes have been a result of a multitude of different things. For example:
- with some people we just grow apart; we don’t share any life values anymore and drift apart
- there’s always a limit with toxic, controlling people, and after reaching that limit we prefer to end things
- coming to the realization that one-sided friendships actually aren’t friendships
- something about us triggers a friend, so they decide to cut things off.
It can even be a mix of all of these. The fact is, not everyone we’ve ever made friends with are supposed to be in our lives forever. And then there are some who are! They are the absolute lifeline ♥
But probably most of the people we meet on the way fall off our wagon at some point. And it’s totally fine!
At the end of the day ending friendships was easier for me because I moved abroad. I didn’t need to worry about the awkwardness of bumping into these people anywhere.
But how do you know if you are participating in toxic friendships?
Toxic Friendships – How to Recognize it
There’s no denying, continuing to keep up toxic friendships doesn’t do any favours for anyone. In the worst case scenario they can even wreak havoc with our self-esteem and self-image, which can be hard to heal.
In case you’re not quite sure whether your friend (group) is actually the one for you, here are some signs to pay attention to. You can also try some emotionan intimacy to find out how they actually feel about you.
If even one of these rings a bell, and having that awkward conversation with them doesn’t feel viable, maybe it’s time to part ways. I’ll tell you how a bit later on.
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They ignore your boundaries
The easiest way to recognize toxic friendships is to look at the simple fact of do they respect you?
- If you’ve told them you can’t afford to eat out in Michelin guide restaurants, do they take that into account?
- Or do they still book another expensive restaurant for your next meet-up?
Some may think that boundaries are complicated because they are always personal, and can’t be applied to anyone else. But boundaries are actually based on our personal morals, beliefs, cultural and family backgrounds, and comfort levels.
So, they really are not that complicated! If you express yourself clearly to your friends, and if they are real friends, they will always respect your boundaries. They will not ask you to do something or go somewhere that they know isn’t comfortable or convenient for you.
Yes, culture is also an aspect here. Cultures differ from one country to the next, and while in Northern Europe ignoring a text is quite understandable behaviour, in the US it might be frowned upon.
Culture can make setting boundaries difficult, but at the end of the day, why would we abide by a culture that doesn’t do us any good?
Cruelty, unkindness, gossiping behind your back
This is an obvious one: if your friends are unkind to you or you know they gossip about you, they are not your friends. Even if they try to mask it as joking, constantly making fun of the way you look is a clear sign of toxic friendships. And it doesn’t always have to be about you, even.
Someone who constantly belittles or is downright cruel about other people for racist, homofobic or whatever reason, are toxic by default. They usually know very well that what they are saying is hurtful, even cruel, but they say it anyway.
Yes, people like this may have mental issues behind it all, and you may feel empathy for them. But they are not yours to fix!
A big part of this is also isolating you. In toxic friendships especially social media can be such a cruel place. Your ‘friends’ can just create another group chat on the same platform and leave you out of it. And they may even make sure you know about it. This is something that has happened to me.
Relevant content: How To Make Friends As An Adult: 8 Tips
Toxic friendships leave you exhausted
Now, for introverts being social can be exhausting always. But there’s a big difference between being socially tired and being exhausted due to subtle mental abuse.
Little by little these energy vampires suck the joy out of you, until there’s not much left. They can even erode your self-esteem and self-image, so pay attention to how you feel after meeting your friends.
The easiest ways to determine whether you’re involved in toxic friendships or just introverted is to ask yourself these questions:
- do I constantly have to defend my boundaries?
- am I constantly being disrespected, and does it leave me feeling deflated and low?
- have I made excuses for my friends’ bad behaviour towards me (self-gaslighting)?
- am I trying to intellectualise things to make excuses for my friends?
All of this can quickly turn against you. Which means that at this point it’s not just your toxic friends that are against you, but so are you yourself.
And that just emphasizes the importance of breaking up with toxic friends. But how to do that? Well, here are some ideas:
How to Break Away from Toxic Friendships?
I’ve come to realize that when it comes to toxic friendships, the feeling of dislike is mutual. Which is why the easiest way to cut the cord is to just cut all contact with the person / the people.
If a toxic friend is a part of a larger friend group, this can get much trickier though. So, let’s see some other ways to break up from toxic friendships.
Face the fear
Toxic friendships can cause a lot of damage, and if you really stop and think, the damage over-weighs the small benefits staying in contact with those people brings.
If you stick to such friendships they may end up causing actual mental harm. Keep this at the forefront of your mind as we continue.
It’s never a nice or a comfortable thing to break up with anyone. But it can be especially painful when it comes to friends.
Romantic partners come and go but friends are supposed to stick. Unfortunately we have to accept the fact that some of them were meant to be in our lives only momentarily.
If it makes it easier for you to get clear on why you need to remove yourself from a friendship, do a simple pros and cons list. What positives do they bring in your life and what negatives?
This should make it quite clear that it’s time to move on. Or it may also turn out that everything’s good, you just need to work on yourself a bit.
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Consider the alternatives to get firm on your decision
The pros and cons list comes in the picture in this part as well. If it turns out that your friends actually do bring more positives than negatives to your life, it’s okay.
This just means that there might be something on your own self-confidence or the way you observe the world that needs a little tweaking. You could be someone who takes offense really easily, and that’s okay because you can work on that.
But if it turns out that the scales really do tip towards breaking those toxic friendships, it’s time to take action. At this point it’s easy to sink into the aforementioned ‘self-gaslighting’ where you make excuses for your friends. And this is also completely okay, but it doesn’t benefit you.
Somebody who is completely comfortable in their own skin never bullies others or puts them down in any way. So yes, toxic friends probably have their own devils they are battling. But here is where you remind yourself that those battles are not yours to fight!
You are responsible for you alone, so make sure you do the best thing for you and remove yourself from toxic friendships.
Face the toxic friendships: tell them you’re heading off
Now, let’s get to action! Firstly, you can cut the cord with toxic friendships by actually facing your friends and telling them how their behaviour has been inconveniencing you for a long time. In this approach the way you head into the conversation is extremely important.
This of course requires great courage, but this is the way some people have to do things. If you don’t like to leave anything hanging, then pluck up the courage and start a conversation. It is very likely that the ‘friends’ react in one of these 2 ways:
- they start apologizing (without meaning it) and making excuses to why they said/did things
- they get defensive, even angry.
Especially in the latter case, it might be good to think ahead before you meet your friend(s) for the discussion.
Call another friend and ask them to hang around somewhere close by, so that you don’t need to be alone if things end aggressively. A support system is always important to have, espcially when we’re breaking up from toxic friendships.
After they’ve made their excuses or defended their toxic behaviour, you may feel guilty for making them feel that way. But that’s when you must be selfish! Remember how they have made you feel and remind yourself that that’s more important here.
Also, as hard as it may be, before you leave the situation you should say something nice to them. Point out something that they are good at or something you did enjoy during the friendship, and leave that as the last thing that was said between you. Then walk away.
Allow the friendship to fade away
A much easier way to break up from toxic friendships is to just let them fade away. Personally, this is how most of my friend break-ups have gone. Only once I have actually faced a friend and tried to have a conversation with her to call out her toxic behaviour towards me.
But in the bigger picture ghosting people, minimizing all interaction with certain people little by little or just saying you’re always busy (yeah, I know, a bit rude) can be the easiest way to break away.
As frustrating as ghosting is (we’ve all been there!), when it comes to toxic friendships, I truly think it’s acceptable. If your friends haven’t done much for you, you owe them nothing. Least of all your time.
Let things fade away and get on with your life forging better friendships. You know, the kinds that give you energy, bring you joy, make you happy.
Has any of you every had to break up with friends? Or have you been broken up with? Let’s chat in the comments! ♥
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