Many of you won’t like hearing this, but in part dating a narcissist, and all the damage it causes is, in part, self-inflicted. How dare I suggest such a thing?! Because I know! From personal experience that is also a shared experience with some of my closest friends.
I say that it’s partly to blame on us ourselves because every single morning when we wake up in such a relationship, we make the executive decisions to stay in that relationship. We make that decision even though we know we are being worse than mistreated: we are abused.
I’m finally sharing my story now, over 5 years after that horrible “relationship” ended. Do I feel comfortable sharing this? No, I still don’t. But I’m gonna do it anyway. So, here goes:
What It’s Like Dating A Narcissist & Lessons I Learned
Almost a year it took me. Almost a year to realise exactly how much mental abuse I took lying down. If someone had told me that I of all people would one day find myself dating a narcissist I would’ve belly-laughed them to a ditch.
But so it happens, even the most confident, self-assured of us can fall victim to domestic abuse. Guess what, though? We can live through it, survive it and still, after all of it, THRIVE!
Like the dress in these photos?
Let me ask you this: does this sound familiar:
“I forgive him all of the bad behaviour (in reality, abuse) because the poor man’s been through so much. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, surely”?
Take a moment and think about it, does it ring a bell?
We’ve all read about them; Narcissists. The people with the ultimate tendency for selfishness and gaining satisfaction at other people’s expense with no regard to their feelings or wellbeing whatsoever. Complete inability to feel empathy for others, and compulsive obsession with power and success.
How could any self-respecting, mentally healthy and confident young woman end up dating such a monster? Honestly, by not being as mentally healthy as we like to believe ourselves to be. That includes me.
Initially I explained it all to myself like this: I’m such a difficult person, so only another difficult person could handle me. As in, I knew from our first date that this man is scum. And still I allowed him to get under my skin.
Yes, I allowed it by lacking boundaries, preferring shit treatment to being bored as a singleton and in a very sick manner enjoying the game that it all was. Still, at the end of the day, the problem wasn’t me, it was always him, and him alone!
How to recognize a narcissist in a relationship
Let’s start from the basics. How do you know you’re dating a narcissist? The thing is, we all know! We do, we’re women, we’re clever, and we have an unbeatable intuition that is screaming to us throughout the entire time. Those butterflies in your stomach, yeah, that’s your body going into panic mode.
The problem is we refuse to listen to our own body. We don’t want to admit or acknowledge it for whatever reason.
- Boredom
- self-esteem issues
- lack of confidence
- financial dependency,
whatever it may be, we know that’s not how it should be. But in case you’re not quite sure whether you are in a narcissistic relationship or not, these are the tell-tale signs.
Further reading: Is It Your Fault If You End Up In an Abusive Relationship?
The First Signs
Recognizing if you’re dating a narcissist is actually easy. It really is! The problems start when you refuse to accept what you’re seeing and hearing.
I knew on our first date that I was currently in conversation with a complicated and troublesome person. I knew it from the get go. And that was a big reason for me to go for him.
I’ve been an adrenaline junkie of sorts. Probably still am. I don’t do skydiving or bungee jumping anymore, so there was a time when I looked for excitement in other places: men. Because there’s a lot of them who are truly touched in the head, even dangerous.
My history with men is full of assholes who were indecent to the core, even actual criminals, and in their way they were all dangerous. And this one, oh, he was definitely a risk that I was willing to take.
Even though he made all the cliche mistakes on our first date:
- spewed (not an exaggeration) a shit-ton of shit about his “crazy” exes
- lied in my face
- laid it all on the table how his life had been oh, so difficult (Tinder Swindler, anyone?)
- blamed a lot of people for whatever shit had happened to him, but never seemed to have responsibility over any of his misfortunes himself.
Obviously for me as one of the most curious people on the planet, this was all so very interesting. Tell me more, the gorier the better! Poor fellow didn’t know what a ditch he was digging himself into. As was I!
He was radiating the fact that he was an issue. So, I was hooked, I took the challenge. I genuinely believed that with me he would learn to see life as it should be: through positivity and optimism.
Read also: I Took Myself Off The Dating Market – Here’s Why!
The Manipulation
It all started fine, as it always does. He traveled a lot but I was fine with that. We stayed in touch every day anyway, and when he came back he’d take me out on a date.
I got a bag, expensive brand sunglasses and amazing, beautiful holidays without ever asking for any of it! Note, I never asked him for anything, but he later used a lot of energy trying to gaslight me into thinking that I did. Didn’t work out for him.
But there’s not a person on this planet who wouldn’t love being spoiled, right? With me, though, he actually got a lot more than he had bargained for. Because while The Narcissists’ Guide Book would suggest pampering someone with expensive things as the way to manipulate them, material things didn’t matter to me at all.
All I wanted from him was quality time together and non-material signs of affection. Everything he was never capable of giving me. And knowing my core life values and myself so well was what eventually saved me. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves!
The Ongoing Abuse
When dating a narcissist, there will be abuse. Sometimes physical but always mental and emotional abuse! For most of us, the abuse starts slowly but surely. In my case it was mental and verbal abuse, never physical, thankfully.
And I gotta give it to him, it was subtle. I can see he’s used this strategy many times before. It starts with little hints about your looks, opinions and anything you can think of. But it’s always “a joke”, you know. “Haha, you’d just look much better with a bigger ass.”
Little by little it all starts to gather speed. And suddenly you smell bad, you’re fat, you’re annoying, oppressive, mean, just plain wrong.
Among all of it, my overflowing optimism made sure that I always found the silver lining in the most miserable situations. He’s saying that but maybe if I show him that none of it affects me, he’ll appreciate me more. HAH! Fat chance.
He just got even more annoyed that his tactics didn’t work on me. How could that be when I was supposed to be under his control?! As I mentioned earlier, he got a lot more with me than he ever bargained for.
His annoyance meant that the abuse then started getting worse and worse:
- verbal abuse became a daily occurrence
- questions weren’t allowed, and I mean ANY questions, because how dare you question his “superiority”?
- ghosting, a shit-ton of ghosting while he was away on business trips
- using reverse psychology became his favourite way to pass time
- own space was demanded constantly and in vast amounts. And if I said that a week was too much, I was a bad, selfish person making him feel oh, so bad.
And eventually he cheated on me. At least twice, maybe more. I guess it’s a natural part of dating a narcissist that we all come across sooner or later. But you know how I found out?
One time while he was away he ordered a big bunch of flowers with champagne (sweet, which he knew I hate) and a box of chocolates delivered to my work place for no reason whatsoever. Even my colleagues were like “oh dear, he’s fucked up, hasn’t he?”
And after another business trip he came back weirder than ever. He wouldn’t look at me or allow me to touch him. And then he started blaming me for cheating on him. Which obviously didn’t make any sense at all.
He had also told me one time, proudly, how he’d cheated on one of his exes. So, it wasn’t exactly a massive surprise.
The Difficulty of Letting Go
Would I have ever left him if I hadn’t found out after yet another fight what he had done behind my back that was worse than cheating? No, I probably wouldn’t have. I called it Sisu, an ever-lasting ability to not give up. I was gonna make it work no matter what!
Obviously dating a narcissist never works like that. And eventually something did happen that I simply couldn’t let slip through my fingers. Without going into detail, let’s just say that he stole something from me.
He was unable to steal my dignity, my confidence and self-awareness, which for so long had been my shield against his evil. So, he stole something I had built from scratch and that meant a lot to me. And then he blackmailed me with it for a year after the break-up.
The Self-Sabotage
Bloody hell I struggled! Because despite all of it I was still obsessed with him. I’m not one to wallow, and I didn’t, but for fuck’s sake, I couldn’t get him out of my head.
And I tried, oh boy, how I tried to stay in touch with him. Obviously he didn’t resist. He had me on a leash like the dumbest dog. And for a long time I was happy to be on that leash.
I just couldn’t fathom a life without him. I was 100% addicted. I’m not the addictive type, but this time I really got the gist of what it feels like to be completely consumed by something. Dating a narcissist is a dangerous game, and unfortunately I like games.
I honestly believed we were the ultimate couple. And since getting over him I’ve wondered would I have been so into him if he wasn’t so completely insane? Thankfully it doesn’t matter anymore.
Conclusion – The Lessons Learned
I firmly believe that there is no such thing as failure. We all make mistakes but if we learn from them, we can do better next time, which clearly does not constitute a failure. But dating a narcissist is a whole other learning experience.
Years after it was all over I could see that he was probably put on my path for a reason. Simply because the things I learned about myself as well as men, abuse and manipulation have helped me a lot in my life since!
The most important lesson to learn about dealing with a narcissist, whether in a relationship or in a work setting, is that it’s not you, it’s them. They are the issue, nothing else. And also, they will not change. So, the only favour you can do to yourself is to get as far away from such individuals as possible.
Did I walk away from it all traumatised and with serious trust issues? Absolutely. Have I since then done better for myself and healed? It’s a long process and still ongoing but my goodness what a life I’ve built for myself since!
He was a bump on the road, and while he probably broke something, I didn’t just mend myself: I emerged from all of it an even better version of myself! I’ve faced my demons under the hardest circumstances and I’ve come out on top. That’s all that matters! And I’m so proud of myself. ♥
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