We are all raised to think that if we can’t find a relationship, someone to spend the rest of our lives with, then we’ll never be wholesome people. But with the world being the way it is, is this a realistic expectation anymore?
Maybe it was 100 years ago when a woman couldn’t even leave the house without being accompanied by a man. But we’re in the 2020’s now… And while women are still far from being equal in any society or culture, no nation exists without women’s contribution to the economy, to communities, and to value systems.
Even though more women are waking up to the fact that we’re actually much calmer and happier single, most of us are still indoctrinated enough to obsess over finding a life partner by any means necessary. And while we do so we put ourselves in harm’s way constantly…
So, instead of wondering how can I find a relationship, how about first asking yourself: “Do I actually want a relationship? Why so?” That little thought experiment can open up unexpected thought patterns that you weren’t aware of before.
In addition, this article will explore further the notion of needing a relationship at this time and age; is it actually necessary and why so? And what alternatives are there if we end up single forever? Is it actually the end of the world?
The Legend of a Happy Relationship vs. Harsh Reality
You can count yourself as part of the Disney generation if you grew up watching Disney films. Most of the story lines are based on love conquers all, which is good as such. But as educational, beautiful, problematic and biased as they are, they did very effectively sell us an image of a reality that doesn’t exist:
“And they lived happily ever after.”
Sure, that can be the true story for some couples. But the fact is that it’s a reality that is extremely rare. Finding a healthy relationship that could last a lifetime in a world that is obsessed with toxicity doesn’t add up. The math simply isn’t mathing!
But if we were all scammed growing up – as we clearly were – what then? What’s left if pursuit of a life partner is no longer the ultimate goal in life?
I think we have two options left:
- Continuing dating and exposing ourselves to more frustration, disappointments and abuse.
- Accepting that a relationship isn’t the ultimate goal, even if it is worth pursuing, and getting on with our lives.
Due to many of us having really bad experiences of dating we’ve developed relationship anxiety and unconscious biases that make it even harder to find the right people to date. But perhaps taking a little distance from dating could be just what’s needed now.
Because what if the fact that you can’t find a relationship right now is actually a blessing in disguise? What if not dating keeps you safe from all of the following:
Abusive partner
I was traumatised by an abusive relationship some years ago and I know there are plenty of you who can relate to that fate. Exposing yourself to an abusive individual as wholesomely as we do in a relationship is extremely harmful. And it’s the sort of harm that takes a lot of time and effort to sort out afterwards. Some of us never manage to heal completely.
It’s worse than jungle out there so at this point the best and the safest option is to opt out of the dating market completely. Temporarily of course, because this also will pass. But if you do stick to it, and thus end up being worse than hurt, remember that you’re not the problem, the abuser is!
Open relationship = Free to cheat
Yes, you have the right to disagree with me and sure, there must be open relationships out there that do actually work! But broadly speaking, if somebody suggests to you at the beginning of dating “I’d prefer an open relationship“, pack up your gear and run. That’s nothing more than code for “I want to sleep with everyone else while you cook and clean for me“.
Neverending situationships
We tend to make fun of situationships. Surely if I can’t find a relationship, a situationship will do! I’m afraid not. Because unless you’re completely happy with the fact that the relationship is going absolutely nowhere, not now and not ever, then it’s abuse. Someone just stringing you along for their own benefit is abuse.
How do you avoid all of the above, though? By discovering your own power, establishing some healthy boundaries and making bloody sure you stick to them. Self respect, babe, that’s what’s needed now!
What To Do If I Can’t Find a Relationship?
What to do if dating at the moment is more likely to get us killed than result in finding a life partner? Let me paint you a picture so we can look at this from a broader angle:
You know all those futuristic movies like Ghost in a Shell, Blade Runner and Mad Max? Always a dystopian world where cities are dark concrete jungles filled with disturbing flashing lights and where basic living conditions are extremely minimalistic.
What’s always missing from these stories is all humanity: no signs of families, communities, or any sort of beauty. The homes of the characters are always bare, boring and as far from cosy as can be. I mean, who would sleep comfortably now or in the future on a “bed” that’s just a thin mattress?! Because that’s all there is…
But do we really think that even in the most terrible versions of our potential futures families would just cease to exist? Or that we wouldn’t try to live as comfortably as possible? Well, if we ask men, yes. Because the images served in popular culture of the future are created by men.
And it’s not actually surprising! We know that most men can’t even imagine living comfortably, creating a cosy home, or building a life around a family instead of anything else. Their priorities are always elsewhere…
Just think of a man living alone; what does an average ‘bachelor pad’ look like? Very few pieces of furniture, probably dirty dishes and takeaway boxes everywhere, not inviting or cosy in any sense, right?
Now think of an apartment of a single woman. Smells nice, colour scheme has been thought out, there are house plants and soft cushions, stylish furniture and the kitchen and bathroom are clean.
So, what’s my point?
What if bringing a man into that equation actually downgrades it? What if we can’t find a relationship because life is actually good enough as it is?
We women have been raised to be independent, to look after ourselves, and to thrive regardless of all circumstances. Men were not. Just think about your brother, father, uncle; could they cope on their own as well as you or your mother, sister, aunt can? No? Exactly!
Men need a relationship because they need someone to provide them with the basic living conditions that they themselves can’t muster. (Or they could if they tried but why would they as they’ve never needed to before…) Women want a relationship but often end up sacrificing a lot more for it than is reasonable:
- our beautiful home gets dirty, messy and disorganised
- the routines we’ve created for our wellbeing are disrupted
- that peace after a long day at work is gone
- we go to great lengths to meet their needs while our needs go completely ignored.
Our relationship goals often consist of things like companionship, sharing life experiences, comfort and security. Men’s tend to consist of full convenience at anybody else’s expense. So, ask yourself: is a relationship worth it right now?
As long as men can’t look after themselves by themselves but want to use us as second mothers, isn’t your life better without them? Of course I can’t speak for you but personally I love my little Hobbit Hole and the peace, safety, and comfort it provides me. I’ve never met a man who could provide me with all those things…
Sure, there is the issue of loneliness. We are social creatures and many crave for a partner by their side despite the compromises they might have to make. So, let’s talk about:
How Can I Recognize a Healthy Relationship?
Finding a healthy relationship has a lot less to do with anyone else but us ourselves. Do you actually know what sort of a partner suits you and why you want to bring someone in to share this life with you? If we just barge into the dating market without any boundaries in place, we will be taken advantage of or worse.
There isn’t one correct type of a healthy relationship because we people are unique individuals. As such, two people coming together can never be compared to another couple. They may strive to live similar lives but they will never be the same.
That’s why it’s so important on a personal level to be clear on what we really want and what we’re willing to tolerate (or not!) to get it. Because once we feel ready and confident to get back in the game we need to pay attention to not participate in any games.
If we want to find The One, we need to be clear on:
- What do we actually want from a partner?
- What will we not tolerate from a partner?
- How do we make sure that we stick to our boundaries?
Many think they can’t find a relationship because everyone else in the dating market is shit. But at the end of the day, if you can’t answer these questions for yourself then you are part of the problem.
What do I want from a relationship/life partner?
This comes down to what your genuine relationship goals are. Is it just to fill a hole in your heart or do you want someone to share your everyday life with? If it’s the former, you need therapy, not a relationship. Life partners can come after therapy.
If the latter, you’re on a more solid ground to answer this question. So, what I would suggest is to make a list of all qualities that you appreciate in a man and that you think could fit in with and compliment your lifestyle. Use men in your family or friend circle as examples and inspiration (assuming they have qualities that you appreciate).
Getting clear on what it is that you actually want from a partner makes it easier to decipher who out there is worth your while and who is not. Saves you a lot of time and energy, as you will see!
What will I NOT tolerate in a relationship?
If you can’t find a relationship, it can help to squeeze up the selection by getting clear on what you don’t tolerate from a date, let alone a partner. This can be obvious things like racism, lack of basic manners, arrogance, bad hygiene, etc.
It can, and should, also be bigger things like their life choices in terms of career, family, etc. If their lifestyle choices don’t fit together with yours, walk away. For example, if they put their career above everything else I can guarantee that they will put it above a relationship as well.
Being clear on what you don’t tolerate from a future partner is a really efficient tool for shortlisting potential candidates. Remember that you can never change anyone! If you’re not happy with the way they are when you’re dating them, accept that those issues will not get better in time.
Plenty of fish in the sea, better to be picky than deal with the consequences of an abusive relationship. If you even survive it!
Final Thoughts on Finding a Relationship Worth Having
The third point about boundaries would make this article way too long and repetitive. Repetitive because I’ve written another article about the art of saying No and sticking to your personal boundaries. Feel free to find more tips there!
I’ve been single now for about 5 years and I can’t deny the fact that my life has never been less stressful. The only times in my life when I’ve had issues with anxiety have been while I’ve been in a relationship. And realising that makes one realise that if I can’t find a relationship, I might actually live a better life.
After healing from the trauma that the abusive relationship left behind I’ve concluded that my life is truly beautiful. And for that reason I will only allow a man in it if he can make my life even better! Nothing less will do.
Also, looking back at previous generations, how many of our mothers and grandmothers, let alone great-grandmothers, were actually genuinely happy in their marriages? Not many! So maybe, just maybe we’ve been sold a lie about those Happily Ever Afters.
But is it really an issue? Or is your life actually quite good as it is? While we do want life partners, aren’t we quite alright just as we are for now? Until that prince we were promised arrives! And even if he doesn’t, at least we know that we will live happily ever after regardless ♥
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