I didn’t date for 2 years because I finally reached a limit with the amount of bullshit that dating in 2020’s is. I didn’t just delete dating apps but also wasn’t available to men at all. What does that mean? Mainly that my resting bitch-face ensured that no man dared to approach me in any public setting.
In fact I was a little surprised at just how effective my resting bitch-face is because even while spending winters in Italy, the local men stayed well away from me. Now that I’m “available” again I quickly noticed the difference while staying in Bologna. It was a rare occurrence if nobody came to talk to me when I was out and about in a bar or a terrace.
I also noticed that the break was definitely needed! Previously I only seemed able to find the sort of men who were the absolute scum of the Earth. But something definitely shifted during those 2 years that I was ‘unavailable’: the men I meet nowadays are decent, kind human beings.
Whether I want a relationship with a man anymore is up for debate, but here are 8 lessons that the Big Break taught me.
Lesson 1: Men were the main source of stress in my life
When I didn’t date for 2 years I quickly realised that I’m actually quite a chill person overall. I don’t stress about things like losing a job even if I perhaps should. And yet, all I knew while in relationships with men, was feeling stressed.
It’s hard to see it while you’re in the mix of it all, but now that it’s all behind me, I can’t not see it! The only reason I’ve ever actually been stressed was men and keeping them around. What’s so stressful about that then? Well, I didn’t think I’d ever admit this, but society definitely brainwashed me along everybody else, which led to a lot of inconvenience. Such as:
- The pressure about looking good and the stress on those days when we don’t can be major.
- Shaving… the fucking shaving! God, I hate that shit and haven’t bothered since ditching men; my skin is doing much better nowadays.
- Keeping up appearances while you’re staying with family but having a fight with your boyfriend (because that was guaranteed…)
Society has conditioned even the best of us to present ourselves for the male gaze. Even those of us (me!) who never gave a flying fuck about what anyone (even my boyfriend) thought of me or how I dress, fell under that spell. But now it’s time we admit to ourselves that those “beauty standards” were created by PDFiles!
I mean, an adult woman not having any hair downstairs? What’s that about if not children, which is what men have always openly wanted to…
Lesson 2: The only reason I’ve ever felt anxious is because of men
From my first proper boyfriend all the way to my very last situationship, men have made me feel anxious above all. And that’s a first for me! I grew up in a safe and happy family in a secure and well-functioning country. Thus, anxiety was a completely foreign concept to me.
Until boyfriends came along… Even the decent ones in my late 20’s caused me anxiety by behaving in ways that made me question their monogamy. Ghosting is one of the most dilapidating aspects of dating, it can do an immense amount of damage. It’s not a coincidence that abusive partners use ghosting routinely.
If you’re dating a true cunt, they will also cheat on you, call you fat and make sure you question your humanity on a daily basis. I know, I was in such a relationship. The anxiety that follows all of that can be crippling. But what I’ve realised now that I didn’t date for 2 years is that men have been the only reason I have ever felt anxious at all.
And since I’ve learned that lesson, I no longer accept ghosting of any sort, let alone anyone else’s opinion to affect me in the slightest. I’ve come so far actually that if a man ghosts me, I forget he exists. This has happened multiple times already and why not! If you want my attention you gotta put some effort into it.
Lesson 3: It isn’t me, it’s them. Always!
Another thing that society has sneakily installed into my system despite my stubbornness, is the impostor syndrome. You know that way we tend to question ourselves especially while we’re at the peak of happiness? Do I deserve this, am I actually that pretty, should I do more for him?
It’s funny how those thoughts sneak in. But while I didn’t date for 2 years, I certainly observed people who did. And something that I kept noticing time and time again is the self-flagellation that we women are particularly prone to. Without any valid reason! Because there’s no question about the fact that:
- women create life
- they also raise the children mainly by themselves (yes, there are exceptions to the rule but that’s it: exceptions…)
- women go to work, decorate the house, clean the house, cook, schedule, plan and organise, manage everything etc.
- and women can do everything that men can do, we just tend to do it all better. Yes, even changing the tires!
Realising all of that while observing the relationship dynamics in couples from different cultures and backgrounds was so eye-opening. And it was also a relief to understand that I never asked for too much (tbh, I never asked for anything!) and I certainly wasn’t ‘lazy’ in the relationship.
Once you realise that, you start to see that everything your ex(s) complained about was actually all about them. They were never enough, and they knew it! But as men, they would never admit that to themselves so they need to deflect their own weaknesses on their partners. The problem isn’t you, it’s them!
Lesson 4: Good self esteem doesn’t guarantee healthy decisions in relationships
The most difficult part to admit to myself were the parts of my identity that didn’t protect me as I had thought they would. What on Earth? Well, I’ve always had a very good self esteem. I know who I am and what I’m capable of, so I respect myself. And yet despite all of that I ended up in an abusive relationship.
And while I was well aware of my own contribution to that (I could’ve walked away but I actively chose to stay), it was upsetting to admit that I didn’t keep myself safe. Amongst the cheating, ghosting, and all the verbal abuse I convinced myself that I was strong enough, I can take it, I should stay.
And sure, once I (finally) walked away I did so surprisingly intact. Until the pieces started coming apart little by little. I went 2 years thinking how lucky I am that I got away untraumatised. How wrong I was! Eventually I started to see a new pattern in my dating life:
Since that abusive relationship, I was constantly dating abusive, horrible men. Mostly soldiers who were stationed abroad and happily cheating on their wives and families. I knew that but I still kept on going for more.
I didn’t date for 2 years because those disastrous situationships eventually pissed me off to a high enough extent. It took way too long, I admit! But I guess it was necessary to force me to realise that I was actually traumatised by the previous relationship. Something had gone askew within me and allowing broken men anywhere near me certainly wasn’t helping.
Lesson 5: The break allowed me to heal
Admitting you’re broken is the first step towards healing. While my self esteem and self respect had protected me to an extent (I always knew it wasn’t me, it was him), something was broken. I knew there was only one thing to it: I had to stop and think.
To be honest, now that I didn’t date for years I can say that stopping was the easy part. I was so fed up with the shit quality of men that I was quite happy to not allow them anywhere near me for a while. And that was necessary for the healing to happen.
- I sat with it, dug deep within myself,
- questioned my past actions and thoughts,
- and tried to distinguish patterns in my dating habits and preferences.
At the end of the day, the patterns were very clear. So, next I had to figure out why I went for that same shit over and over again. A simple answer was ego. I am an attention whore, I absolutely love being the centre of attention. And I guess since I didn’t get any from my ex, I had developed this insatiable appetite for attention.
So, I went and got it from where it was readily available: stupid, pathetic soldier bois. I mean ‘stupid’ literally, they were superbly uneducated and brainwashed (obviously). As such they were all oh, so impressed by me. It was fun for a while, make no mistake! But not for long. And now that it’s all ancient history I can say I’m glad it’s all over.
Lesson 6: The spell was broken = I no longer attract assholes
How do I know it’s actually over? Well, while I still can’t pinpoint exactly what was broken within me and to what extent, I can tell that the spell has been broken! I didn’t date at all, which allowed me the headspace and time to really figure out what I want. And especially what I do not want!
I now know
- not to feel sorry for any man for not being interested in them
- what sort of communication I accept from men, and which sort will get them blocked and deleted immediately
- how I expect them to behave to be entitled to show up in public with me
- what it takes for a man to be worthy of my precious time
- that open and honest communication is always the best policy, regardless of whether the man can handle it or not.
And as it happens, these days I only meet men who are capable of dealing with rejection! This is a completely new sensation for me. I’m used to “men” having an absolute hissy fit and a tantrum if I don’t take them home after a date. I’ve been shouted at and abused in public so many times by such “men” that I don’t even mind it anymore.
Which is fine because since I didn’t date for 2 years, I haven’t bumped into such men! For example, I recently got a message from a man saying he wants to take me on a proper date. I’m not interested in this man beyond being friends, so I told him:
“I’m good for dinner but don’t like the idea of a date. I wouldn’t want you to get the wrong idea.”
Some of you may think that’s harsh but I know from experience that if you do allow them to get the wrong end of the stick, there’ll be hell to pay! And unlike my previous interactions with men, this one took it like an adult should! He thanked me for the clarification and scheduled dinner regardless.
Lesson 7: My boundaries were nowhere near high enough
As the previous lesson confirms, it turns out that my boundaries were never high enough. I always had boundaries! I wouldn’t accept my ex calling me fat because I knew I wasn’t, and I was always happy to fight my corner. But the fact that I allowed a narcissist in my life and then stayed for as long as I did was a major wake-up call.
- While I didn’t date I realised that as long as your boundaries are low, you accept low quality men into your vicinity.
- But now that I’ve raised those boundaries to a healthy level, low quality men don’t even dare to approach me.
- And the fact that my ego isn’t affected by missing out on all that low vibrational attention shows me that I have truly healed.
What we accept is what we get. I do not believe that any of us would ever ‘attract’ abusive partners, that’s an insult! But as much bullshit as we’re willing to take is the amount of bullshit that we tend to get.
Lesson 8: Women truly are higher beings
Once you break out of the patriarchy bubble you can’t not see it: women are higher beings than men! All the stereotypes of women that we’ve been drowned under since we were kids are actually not about women at all:
- yes, women have emotions but unlike men, we can control them! Whereas a man will rape a woman because “he can’t control himself” and punch a hole in a wall because his football team lost… quite emotional.
- women are responsible for some of the most groundbreaking inventions on this planet, like WiFi, DNA, GPS, car heaters, etc.
- they are also behind pretty much all inventions that make this world safer for all of us, like home security systems, windscreen wipers, life-saving drugs like cardiovascular medication, birth control pill, etc.
The “manosphere” is a perfect example of men’s final front trying to keep patriarchy alive through indoctrination and violence. These twats would have young boys believe that men could survive without women. But even they can’t escape the fact that if it wasn’t for a woman they wouldn’t exist. Only women can create life:
Woman = God.
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