If raw honesty is not your cup of tea, I suggest you skip this post. Others, please read ahead.
Yes, the cat is out of the bag; I ain’t got no boyfriend no more. I’ve actually been single for quite a while already. I started writing this 2 weeks after we had separated and I prayed that I could soon delete the whole draft as unnecessary.
It’s been about 2 months that I’ve been single now. Even though it hasn’t been easy dealing with the incredible disappointment of losing something that had the potential of becoming pure awesomness, I’ve finally come through it all as a winner.
This break-up wasn’t my first one, but it was definitely the hardest one. I’ve never struggled getting over someone before; I used to give myself one day when I was allowed to cry, rage and simply be a mental wreck about it but that’s it. Just one day and then I required myself to move on. And it has worked in the past.
This time around things were completely different; I was older and wiser and had finally started to feel like settling down might be the thing to do. I hadn’t wanted to settle down before. And then there was this one little thing; I was completely in love.
This particular relationship was a stormy one; I can’t see how it could’ve been anything else when you put together 2 ultimate drama queens with a lot of ambition career-wise. But at the end of the day it all came down to certain differences in life values that simply couldn’t be skated over anymore.
God I struggled! I struggled to accept that it was over, I struggled to give up on us, and I really struggled with the fact that he was in my mind 24/7 the entire following month. It’s a wee bit hard to get over someone when they occupy your every effing thought. Even when shopping I looked at the clothes like “He would like this” and “Not this one, he doesn’t like this”. Mental.
I joined Tinder about a week after our break-up because I thought by finding someone else to take over my attention I would eventually forget about my ex. Obviously it wasn’t quite so simple. Nobody on the app was good enough. I mean, no one!
Even the 2 matches that I did get within the first month into being single, were of no interest to me. I wasn’t one bit interested in flirting with them, or even answering their messages at all.
But I managed to keep myself in one piece. And time really is one of the greatest healers; when time went by, and I didn’t hear anything from him, I slowly started to feel better. He wasn’t on my mind first thing in the morning anymore, and I could go to the shops without giving a toss about what he may or may not prefer. I finally didn’t miss him anymore.
I have to admit, I am rather proud of myself: I kept myself from contacting him, I kept myself from stalking him on social media, and I also kept myself from talking trash about him because it really doesn’t make me feel any better.
Even though I was very much aware of all the lies that he was spreading around about me. But that’s his way of trying to get over the break-up, and that’s another reason why I know that I got through all of it on top.
I decided to write this post partly as therapy for myself, to lay all of this to rest, but also because I know there are plenty of people struggling the same way right this moment. And if they’re looking for tips on getting over someone, like I did, then I’m willing to provide my helping hand.
So, this is how I got over my first love, and how you can make getting over your ex a speedier and a more comfortable (if it could ever be comfortable…) experience:
How To Break Up With Style?
Unfollow all their social media accounts
First things first, immediately after the break-up, unfollow them on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, everywhere! For extra measure I also used the block button so that he couldn’t reach out to me.
If you are able to stalk them on social media, the odds are you will, and that way cause yourself misery in case they move on faster than you do. And getting over them while roaming their social media accounts becomes an impossible feat.
I’ve come to notice that even if the saying “Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t appeal immediately, it does start to appeal quite quickly after you’ve deleted them from your life for good.
Have a good cry
Now, suppressing your feelings, even the most crushing ones, will result in you damaging your mental health. You are completely entitled to feel hurt, angry, absolutely furious, bitter, sad and simply like shit. As long as you don’t get stuck with those feelings!
Allow yourself one day when you cry, shout at the walls and go through all the negative thoughts in your head. But make bloody well sure that you don’t stick to those thoughts for longer than that!
Crying is one of the most purifying things to do, it really feels like your emotions get a good cleaning, and the negative emotions sort of slide out of your head trapped in each tear. Really give in to the cry, because if you hold back, it won’t work.
And afterwards, when you decide that that’s enough, you notice how much easier it is to breathe. You feel better, not great, but definitely better!
The way to make sure that you don’t end up wallowing in those negative feelings alone at home is to get out of that home. Call your friends, go do sports, start a new hobby, as long as you keep active!
I can’t tell you how much I love and appreciate my friends and colleagues who took it upon themselves to keep me on the move and busy af after the break-up. They allowed me to talk about it if I wanted to (which surprisingly, I actually didn’t) and they kept my mind on other things if/when I just wanted to forget that my ex had ever existed.
Going home to see my family also helped. Although watching my best friend’s wedding videos, where me and my ex were as happy as ever, did pull me back down for couple of days. But that’s how it goes; when you have friends together it’s inevitable to completely ignore the person. Just remember not to allow yourself to go down that bitter path.
Ignore the urge to contact them
Depending on the nature of your break-up, if no contact is required anymore, delete their number as well. Because there will come a day, many in fact, when you absolutely neeeed to send them a text. Don’t do it!
I couldn’t delete his number because we had some business to attend to, and it was really close many times that I almost sent him a message… or 5. The riskiest moments being middle of the night when I came home from a party, drunk and lonely, or the mornings when I wallowed in self-pity for waking up without him there physically but still all over my mind.
But I found a way to keep myself from texting him! It was as simple a thing as the Notes app on my phone. Whenever I had the urge, I’d open the notes and spill everything I wanted to say to him there. After I had finished writing I decided that if I still need to say all of this to him, I am allowed to send the message after 3 days.
I never sent any of those messages.
Remember all the good bits and move on
After you’ve cried it out and acknowledged all the feelings and emotions that you had to go through, it’s time to seriously start moving on.
No matter what the reason for your break-up, even if it was them cheating on you, abusing you, or simply finding yourselves falling apart, there was a reason why you embarked on that relationship with that particular person in the first place.
And there were plenty of times when everything was well. Instead of remembering all the times when he wasn’t fair on you or did something that hurt your feelings, force yourself to direct those thoughts to the positives. What was it in particular that you liked about the person?
When negative thoughts were about to take over, I found myself creating a mental image; a picture of a girl with a stack of balloons in her hand. In my mind I put every single negative thought into one of those balloons, after which the girl took a pin and popped each balloon one by one.
As ridiculous as it may sound, it worked! On each pop a negative thought was lifted off my mind, and after all the balloons were gone I continued with my life.
Yes, it’s true, remembering all the good times will probably make you miss them. But missing someone is a much better prospect than drowning in bitterness. I actually liked missing him.
Leave it for faith / life / coincidence to figure out
When I was really struggling, I found it super helpful to remind myself of the fact that this is completely out of my hands. No matter how much I may want to get back together, he doesn’t. For now.
I found myself hoping that whatever issues he has in his life, he would one day find a way to figure them out. And then come back to me. Or not.
Life happens for a reason, and if the reason in this case was the fact that we were never meant to be, then I accept it. As much as I believed that we were the ultimate couple, if I was wrong I accept that. Because I know that if we are meant to be, Life will bring us back together. Or I will find someone else.
In any case, I can only win. And so can you. Because Life will always find a way to figure itself out the best way for each of us. We just have to be patient and keep living our lives the way it is, not the way it could be. ♥
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