I see family as quite a flexible, ever changing bundle of relationships. A concept that changes its form and appearance with time. For most people family is the core unit; mum, dad, children. But for me family is a much larger unit; my family unit includes grand parents, cousins, uncles and aunts as well. And couple of my best friends too!
But no matter how big or small or what form your family may be, the basics are always the same.
Thoughts About Families
At the beginning of our lives we’re obviously completely dependent on our parent(s). We can’t move, eat or function in any way without a guardian’s assistance.
But when a child starts to walk, and its brain starts to develop, things start to tumble uncontrollably. And by the time a child enters school there’s only so much control a parent can have on the child’s development and on what kind of an adult that child becomes.
I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be for parents to let their children try out their own limits and make their own mistakes. My parents were brave enough to let me struggle through life as I chose to. And I now thank them for that!
To be honest, I don’t think they would’ve ever had any other choice. I had to be allowed to make my own mistakes, considering how stubborn I’ve always been. But many of my close friends come from families where the damage of overprotecting parents is still visible. Childhood trauma affects us throughout our lives.
But it’s not just the children, also the parent(s) change along the way. In some cases eventually the family roles are tipped upside down and the parent becomes dependent on the child.
In some cases a parent and a child part ways and never meet again. To be honest, there are as many different scenarios as there are families.
Family isn’t a constant
Change is always inevitable, but for most people change is also scary. I’ve witnessed on close range the effects that changes in life can have on people both on the positive side and on the negative side.
I, for one, love change! I find it easy to adapt to new situations and pretty much need changes in my life to keep myself going. But at the same time there are people in my family who cannot cope with change at all.
And by ‘changes’ I mean things like
- children moving away from home
- someone dying
- or even a grandchild entering into the family.
All of them are shocks to the system (even the positive ones). They bring a change to our everyday lives and some people have great difficulties in adapting to the altered situation.
Big differences in characters in one family can create large drifts within the ‘unit’. And if not managed properly, those drifts can become so serious that in the end one or two relationships within that family come to an end.
What is the point of a family?
The point of a family, in my view, is to act as a support system for all the individuals within that unit. When one falls apart others rise to the occasion and support them. Standing by them and assisting them until they get through the difficulties and back on their own feet.
There’s just one problem: within that one family every single person is an individual. And every individual thinks differently, feels differently, sees things perhaps differently than everyone else.
Especially when one member of them falls into tough times, for example due to an addiction, it’s extremely hard for the rest of the family.
They feel scared, disappointed, frustrated, and simply can’t understand why the on struggling is doing so. And without understanding there’s not much they can do to help.
Families need nurturing
Family is like a small business with much more emotions involved. Every single person in it must participate in running it, keeping it going. And sometime, in this hectic state of the world, this can be too much to ask for a lot of people:
- Trying to fit a coffee with your grandmum into your already bulging calendar can suddenly become almost impossible
- Remembering to take into account that your sister is struggling when all you want to do is vent your anger at her because she didn’t book the restaurant for Mothers’ Day like she promised.
- Being able to exist in the moment to be able to recognise that your partner has become quiet and reserved is underestimated.
I think we’re all guilty of at least 2 of the above. So, this is your reminder to prioritise your family over work and other things that keep your away from them. Call your grandparents, check up on your siblings and ask your partner how they actually are doing.
At the end of the day we all need to be proper psychologists and knowledgeable about our human emotions to be able to cope with all the different characters in the family to keep it intact. For some, this turns out to be impossible and families fall apart.
It’s an incredibly delicate but strong, beautiful but rough, and flexible but unyielding a unit, family. Cherish it, nurture it, and on top of everything appreciate it, but at the same time remember that you can’t keep it in one piece alone.
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