At the end of last year I decided it was time to take myself off the dating market. This drastic move came after years of not enjoying, even dreading going on dates with men, who I knew would disappoint me again and again.
For too long, though, I had been living under the assumption that I would need to find The Man and he would take me off the market. Turns out that once again we women don’t need men for even this. We are totally capable of taking ourselves off the dating market just by deciding to do so.
Now, for me to live under the aforementioned assumption means that I am definitely not the only one thinking like that. Hand up, who has stayed in a shitty relationship just so they wouldn’t have to start dating again? I sure did… I saw staying together with a narcissist a better prospect than dating!
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That’s a pretty good summary of how fukken awful dating is these days. And it’s not awful just for women; according to social media nobody is enjoying it.
Still, taking oneself completely off the market is a pretty drastic move, so how did I come to that? Let’s get to it!
I Took Myself Off The Dating Market – Here’s Why
First, what does taking oneself off the dating market actually mean? I guess for different people it can mean different things. But for me it was all about not just deleting all dating apps, but also deleting my actual accounts from those dating apps.
And then just working on shutting down my ego that would be forcing me to go out into a bar when I don’t feel like it because “this could be the night you meet the One!” (Newsflash: it never is.) A part of this was also switching my Instagram account to private.
So, in the end I didn’t date for 2 years and I am still not on any dating apps. I trust that if there is a man for me out there somewhere, our paths will cross when it’s time. Delulu is the solulu! But how did we get to this point? I had 3 big reasons:
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Reason 1: Personal safety
For years I blamed men for my horrible, even traumatising dating history. And to an extent, it’s a legit accusation; they were all shit! Shit as human beings, shit as dates, completely useless as boyfriends.
Only once in my life I was in a relationship with a decent, kind man. But we were and are from different planets. But thanks to him, I’ve always been aware that there are decent men out there. Also, some of my friends are married to some of the most extraordinary, reasonable and kind men. I even have some as relatives!
So, in terms of dating, not all men are a waste of space. Took me a long while to get to a point where I was able to admit this to myself. But once I got there, I had to look at it all from another angle.
Maybe it wasn’t just the men that were the problem in this equation. Maybe it was also me. Since there clearly are decent, driven, kind men out there, how the hell do I always end up with
- the criminals
- the narcissists
- the manipulators
- the mentally unstable?
As you can see, it’s quite a list of people who exist on the fringes of society. Seriously dangerous individuals every single one of them, if not physically, then definitely mentally. But how did I get from that to taking myself off the dating market for good?
Discovering a trauma was the key
Eventually the day came when another man let me down. This particular man was not a criminal or a mentally questionable creature. So, it hurt extra much. And that’s probably what prompted me to sit down and really look inwards.
And what I discovered was that I was traumatised! This was a surprise, because for years I had honestly walked this Earth grateful that my relationship with a narcissist had not damaged me that much. How wrong I was!
But realising that and admitting to myself that shite, the bitch got me, opened the door for me to work my way out of it. I could move on and finally heal. Which I then did in record time (in case somebody’s counting).
After healing from that trauma I could see so much more clearly. I could see the patterns of my own behaviour, the patterns of the types of men I chose, the patterns of my reactions to certain things. And of course the danger that I put myself into every single time I started dating someone.
So, once I was healed I continued dating. This time I could tell all the red flags from miles away. I had analysed my relationship with the narcissist inch by inch and taken it all as a lesson. I can see through men clearer than a just washed window.
And this made dating obsolete, because the men I went on dates with were still useless. Unkind, inconsiderate, lacking in manners, inadequate in every sense. So, until I bumped into another danger case, I decided to take myself off the dating market for good. Clearly, I can’t trust my own judgement.
Reason 2: I refuse to gift my time and energy to unworthy “men”
As they say, time is money. My time isn’t just money, it’s immeasurably valuable. And so is my energy. The best compliments I have ever received have been about my energy. How positive and inspiring it is! To have a gift like that is worth protecting and preserving, right? I think so, which is why I took myself off the dating market.
For too long, as in most of my adult life, I had been freely gifting away my precious time and energy. I gave my entire body and soul to men who took them, tossed them on the ground and stampeded on them until broken.
Realising this was a massive deal for me. I am someone who has never lacked confidence or self-esteem. I know I’m beautiful, I know I’m intelligent and I know I’m worth the best that the Universe can offer. So why on Earth did I give such a special gift, myself, to men who never deserved to even lay their eyes on me?
Reason 3: I’m DONE chasing fairy tales
We can speculate on childhood trauma and all sorts, believe me, I’ve thought about all of it many times. But I grew up in what I call a ‘perfect family’. There was never lack of love, support or attention. So no, it’s not childhood trauma.
The only way I have been able to explain this is the fact that in some ways I am extremely black and white. If I’m in a relationship, I’m in it full on, 120%. Even if I’m dating someone, I’m only dating that one person and putting all my bets on them. Even when they’re a piece of shit.
In life in general, no matter what I do, I’m always in it to win it! But in terms of men I need to be 100% more selective, more reserved, so much more careful. No more running in head first hoping this one’s the one.
To protect my physical safety as much as my time and energy, I decided to take myself off the dating market. And I have to admit, looking back at it all now, it makes me so angry how much time and energy I’ve wasted on unworthy men! It ends now.
It is said that whatever you put out into the Universe will return to you tenfold. Well, I’ve got a planet’s worth of love, time and kindness pending somewhere in this Universe. May it find its way back to me ASAP!
Read also: The Difficulty of Prioritizing Yourself & How To Get Over It
Final Thoughts
It’s been quite a process for the past couple years going through all of the above:
- Getting frustrated with the complete lack of quality men
- Discovering that I was actually traumatised
- Finding the time and capacity to heal myself
- Trying dating again and seeing no improvement
- Taking myself off the dating market.
After months of not putting any thought, effort, time or energy into men in any sense I can confirm: life is good! In fact, I would say my life has been infinitely better all this time than before, when finding a man was even the slightest part of my life.
All that time and energy that my poor past self wasted in men is now 100% in my own use! And while it may also be because I spent the whole Winter in Italy, I’m pretty sure that that is also a big reason why I’ve been feeling extra grateful and fulfilled lately. I truly love my life ♥
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